Sue Pollard!

Right, a pigeon decided I was the perfect target for shitting on. Ha-bloody-ha, who’s laughing now, cause the rain’s just washed it all off.

I’m not arsed anyway, I’ve got more important things on my mind.

I can’t wait, I’m so excited. In precisely three hours I’m going to meet Sue Pollard. She’s rehearsing for Panto and she’s my idol.
Hi-De-Hi Campers!

I love her, I bloody love her. She wears some strange outfits though, but you know whatever floats her boat. Not for me to judge.
I’m really tired today; I’ve been up since five. It’s shattering. But this is the life I chose.
Some people work nine to five in an office. I chose a life of touring – I never know where I’ll be from one day to the next.
Actually that’s a lie – I plan it precisely a couple of weeks before.
Doesn’t pay well… anything at all. But it’s not about the money, it’s about making someone’s day, seeing their face when they leave the stage door and spot you holding an autograph book.
Its making them get on stage at night and perform their best, what does it matter if they don’t get a round of applause after a big number? They know they’ve got support when they leave the building.

It’s about looking after our National Treasures – and I’ve been there for them all.
Rik Whaller. He had twelve in his audience one night. Gutted he was. But seeing my face when he left gave him the boost to go on.
Lisa Scott Lee; I probably bought most of the copies of Electric sold. If I hadn’t been sacked from Blockbuster videos the week before I could have bought more. I let her down at the last minute, I know that. She knows I was there for her in spirit - she’s not a silly girl. She’ll bounce back.
The Krankies; when they fell from the beanstalk the other year, who was there to make it better… apart from the hospital staff. Me.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the Queen’s planning on giving me a Knighthood. Dame Lydia Mould. Of course I’d accept, it’d be rude not to. It’s not the recognition I do it for though. It’s the smile of a celebrity. Going to bed knowing I made their day.

*** Ten Hours Later ***

Sue Pollard is not in the theatre today, she's off ill or so her crappy understudy just told me.

I'm not arsed, just not arsed!